Toward an Understanding of Incest: A "Fami

By Cynthia Griggins

Most of us see it as something that happens in Appalachian families, or in distant, isolated cultures. Not exactly a local, pressing problem.

The law sees it as "sexual intercourse between individuals too closely related to marry". Doesn't sound all that terrible really.

But there are many who see it-and know it-differently. It is having your vagina.ripped apart at age 6; feeling cheap and dirty and ugly; being confused and afraid and not able to tell anyone; not trusting a soul, not even your own parents.

The last description is the reality of incest, and because not one in a million but one in four women are being sexually abused by the time they reach maturity, not only in Appalachia but everywhere, we must look at it and try to grasp what is happening to

us.

Incest as Exploitation

Many people are beginning to understand incest as including any overt sexual, conduct between people who are closely related or perceive themselves to be closely related. That means the aggressor can be a father, stepmother, older brother, or mother's live-in lover if he has assumed a somewhat parental role in the family system.

The key issue in defining incest is that the child (which I will refer to as "she" to reflect the majority of cases) has been sexually used by someone older, whom she trusts, and from whom she can rightfully expect caring, protection, and non-sexuality. This is important, especially since, with the breakdown of the traditional family and the increasing frequency of such arrangements as live-in lovers, the blood relation aspect of incest will become less prominent. We must be clear that incest is unacceptable because it is exploitation. As sociologist David Finklehor defines it, the immorality of incest (and all sexual abuse of minors) lies in the inability of the child to give “informed consent" to any sexual act. The great power differential between an adult and a child, together with the child's basic inability fully to comprehend the consequences of sexual behavior, make it impossible for the child to consent freely.

The Patterns of Incest

Beyond this core of power and exploitation, there are many sides to incest. No two cases are alike or affect the individuals involved in exactly the same way. The sexual act can occur only once or repeatedly over the span of many years. The aggressor can be male or female, although the reported incidence of female offenders is extremely low, less than 5 percent (actual incidence is unknown, but it is likely this figure holds). The act can be subtle looking, or touching, or full-blown violent intercourse. There can be tenderness or manipulation and threats involved. The victim can be male or female, 2 or 20.

But there are some typical patterns. First, on the surface, incest looks quite different from rape. Force is rarely used (or needed). Instead the child is usually courted or seduced, sometimes over the span of several years. In cases where actual intercourse is involved, it is usually preceded by gradually heavier fondling and petting. Daddy (or the perpetrator) is usually affectionate; daughter is usually craving his affection. In contrast to the popular myth that incest occurs when a father is aroused by his adolescent daughter's budding sexuality, the average age of the victim when the incest begins is 6 or 7. The incest is kept absolutely secret, usually because the father has threatened or otherwise manipulated the daughter not to tell. She usually is too ashamed or afraid to tell, but even if she does, she is usually not believed. Some say this second betrayal-telling and not being

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believed and protected-is worse than the abuse itself.

Sadly, by this time the victim, trapped and; helpless, does what any trapped person does-she! acts out in any way she can, usually against herself. She'll start abusing drugs or alcohol, skipping school, running away, or attempting suicide. Often she'll supplement this with considerable promiscuous behavior because she's so lonely and has been taught sex is the only way to get attention. She'll usually end up in a detention home, hospital or courtroom, hoping someone will guess what's going on and do something about it.

When one knows this pattern, statistics such as these aren't surprising: 44 percent of women in a drug treatment program, 52 percent of the prostitutes in a women's prison, and 70 percent of the teenage prostitutes on a TV documentary had been victims of incest.

Who Is To "Blame”?

It is still hard for many of us to comprehend how a grown man can sexually exploit his own child or one so near to him. For too long the blame has been put on the victim. The child has been painted as the seductress, luring the defenseless father or uncle beyond his control. Akin to the school of thought that gave us the rapists' defense ("Look how she was dressed, she was asking for it"), this is blatantly erroneous. It is true that many of these girls are seductive and promiscuous, but, it is crucial to remember how, when and where they learned this behavior. At daddy's knee; that's how they got attention. But regardless of the child's behavior, it is the respon-

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"The Family" Su Negrin Times Change Press

sibility of the adult to set limits. When was the last time you heard an adult criminal, for instance, shifting the responsibility for his crime onto his ten-yearold friend?

Freud has not helped either; his whole concept of the Oedipal complex subtly shifts blame for incestuous thoughts and behavior from the adult onto the child. (Freud also did immeasurable damage to countless future incest victims by changing his tune, saying his female patients had not suffered real sexual abuse as he had thought at first, but had merely ¡ fantasized it.)

If the child is not to blame, are there simply that many perverted, pedophilic men out there? Or perhaps is it the mother, who the anti-feminists would say has "castrated" her husband and forced

him to seek a less threatening sexual partner.

Neither of these stereotypes fits the reality. The typical father is not a psychotic, but a responsible, highly controlled, often religious man who goes to work every day, mows his lawn, and obeys the law. The typical mother is not sexually threatening, but is emotionally and economically dependent on her husband and dedicated to keeping her family intact at all costs.

In reality, there is no one person to blame. Incest seems to be the result of complex familial and cultural factors.

Incest and the Family

Most researchers, clinicians and victims now agree that incest is truly a "family affair". This means that the father (or perpetrator), while ultimately responsible for acting out the incest, did not set it up alone. When one works closely with an incestuous family, one can see that it is highly dysfunctional-that problems started long before the incest, and that the incestuous act, rather than causing a breakdown in the family, is usually the result of such a breakdown.

Let's profile the typical incestuous family. To begin, usually mother or father (or both) has been sexually abused (or otherwise exploited) as a child. This means that either or both parents are quite inept emotionally. They are immature and have great dif:ficulty getting their emotional needs met or satisfying those of their partner. In their frustration, they look to the children. Mothers often just "give up," turning over more and more of their "motherly" role to their daughters. One finds these daughters even at a young age cooking, cleaning, shopping, caring for the younger siblings, and eventually caring for dad, too. Dad in his insecurity and ineptness doesn't look outside the family for his emotional support. Usually he is somewhat rigid and authoritarian. He views his family as his possessions and turns to his daughter to care for his needs. So it is clear that incest is not about sex really-it's about emotions and power ("I can get you to care for me").

Imagine how needy the children are in such a system. It is easy to understand why a daughter doesn't say "no" to daddy-it's the only time she gets any attention or affection from him!

This then is how incest is a "family affair". Each member plays his/her part and, as all families, they work together as a system-dysfunctional perhaps, but a system nonetheless. The incest in a bizarre way keeps it all together; it maintains the status quo.

Everyone, especially the victim, knows that "telling" would blow the whole thing sky high. That's why she usually doesn't, and even if she does, why mom more than likely won't believe her. If mom did, she'd have to deal with the disintegration of her whole support system, meager though it may be. It's easier to deny than watch one's entire life crumble.

So the victim usually pays the heaviest price. In addition to the overt acting out mentioned above, the victim pays a heavy internal price. She comes away feeling betrayed and confused about not only familial relationships, but all relationships. She feels guilty and responsible-either for starting it ("I must have done something to attract him"), or for not putting it to an end (“I could have done something to stop it"). She feels ambivalent (or worse) about her sexuality ("I'm a slut; all I am is a sexual object"). She feels different from her peers, isolated, "weird". And unless something drastic is done to intervene, these feelings stay with her on into adulthood, long after the abuse has ended. That "something drastic" means intervention that puts the incest to an end and provides competent, serious psychotherapy, hopefully to repair and strengthen the dysfunctional system. Or if the incest has ended and the victim is on her own, supportive individual therapy to help rid her of

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